He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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