I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
