how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
