I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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