i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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