we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
