I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
