hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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