Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I cut my penus on the lid.
This house was built for laser tag.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
