got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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