I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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