I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I supernannyed him into submission
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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