I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
