I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
