Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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