Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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