It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
