just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm like, not good at living.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
