There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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