So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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