Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
