I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
