How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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