today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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