I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
