dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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