Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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