If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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