yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
