Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He felt like a one man threesome
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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