I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
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doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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