Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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