If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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