I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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