I think i peed on brittanys purse
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
