It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
