OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
