just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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