I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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