I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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