whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
