I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
