I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
where does the pee come out of this thing
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.