I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
