i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?