someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
