I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
