did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
