She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
