Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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