Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
