at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize