I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
