I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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