FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
