note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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