You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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